


Once Upon A Tweet

by Arandil, AtOnceUponSomeChaos



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Humor, Implied Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-06 18:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arandil/pseuds/Arandil, https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtOnceUponSomeChaos/pseuds/AtOnceUponSomeChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WiFi in the Enchanted Forest? No problem! There's a magic app for that!<br/>This is what happens when Fairy Tale characters get to keep their cell phones and twitter accounts even after they are transported back to their Enchanted Realms.<br/>Begins during the episode Going Home, just before Emma and Henry leave in the bug.</p>
<p>Update: Beginning with Chapter 3 (now that the Hiatus from Hell is over) we will be doing present day "TweetCaps" of the episodes (schedules permitting). This means scenes from the Enchanted Forest (sadly) will not be included.</p>
<p>WARNING: They will contain SPOILERS and like the previous chapters, have "deleted scenes/dialogue" we feel the show needed to have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_ For future reference, when I look at your lips, it means I want you to kiss me. #fuckingpirate #wheresmyfun

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ In the bug, g2g outrun purple smoke. L8r. #fml

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 Dearest Emma, Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me this earlier?

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_ Do I know you?

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
Back in the EF. Word to my peeps.

**Mary Margaret** _@hot_4_teacher_  
Seriously, David? No. #stopembarassingme #YoureAGrandpaForFucksSake

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
Just another uneventful day. Life is good. Boring, but good.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 Swan! Are you well, love? Nearly a day has passed but it feels like an eternity.

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_ Pls stop tweeting at me, “Captain Hook”… It’s getting creepy.

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ #pwned!!!

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@charming_guy123 Do I have to come up there and take your phone away?

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
This is so not my happy ending. #killmenow #twoidiots

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@badass_bandit what’s with the new acct? #confusing

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@charming_guy123 I’m reinventing myself #badass #bandit

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ Is it weird my son likes cinnamon on his hot choc?

**Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ Is it weird my mom tweets about me? #epicfail

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ Is it weird my son has a freaking twitter account? #somuchtrouble

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@charming_guy123 I could cry they r so cute!!! #missemma #misshenry

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@badass_bandit I miss them too. Let’s get #missemma #misshenry trending…

  **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@badass_bandit @charming_guy123 why don’t I just cry u a river? #idiots #misshenry

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 Emma, I have thought about you every moment since we arrived here; the way your eyes held mine when we last parted, the way your hair glistened under the twi

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 under the twinkling stars of Neverland. I’ve thought many times of other occurrences from Neverland as well, but I feel it would be bad form to publicly de

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 describe things that are best kept private. I wish our time together had been longer and I vow to search for you until I find you or until I breathe my last bre

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
WHY DOES THIS BLASTED CONTRAPTION KEEP INTERRUPTING MY THOUGHTS?!

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ u only have 140 chars to say what u want… #n00b

  **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@_KJones_ It wants you to shut up. #fuckingpirate #idiots #STFU

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@charming_guy123 I S2G David…

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@charming_guy123 What in the bloody hell is a “char”?

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_ I mean it buddy leave me alone #restrainingorder #whyme #creepy

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
Has any1 found my scarf? almost outta battery. g2g. laterz.

  **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@mynameisNeal Why are you even here? #thatperson #bagelfire #useless #idiots

  **Belle** _@bookwormbabe815_  
@evil_regal13 He just lost his father and son… Miss u @Dark1Dearie #heartistrue #misunderstood #truelove

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@bookwormbabe815 Would it seem insincere should I offer my condolences?

  **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@_KJones_ @bookwormbabe815 Yes.

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@_KJones_ @bookwormbabe815 Yes.

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Best leave it alone.

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3_  
WTF are these people doing in my forest? #minebitches #youRsodead

**Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @NewBigBadS3 Are we related? I have this feeling. #onlyremembermom #rumygrandma #loveyourmusical

**Maleficent** _@OldieButBaddie_  
Best of luck, @NewBigBadS3. Hope it works out better 4 u than me. #lamestdeathever

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @the_kid01 I told u not to talk 2 strange ppl. #dangerous #crazy

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@OldieButBaddie You still looked quite alive, darling. #sorryabouttheswordthing @evil_regal13  was a bit misleading.

  **Belle** _@bookwormbabe815_  
@_KJones_ Sure, her u apologize to. #blackheart #notthatattractive #yeahIwentthere

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@bookwormbabe815 The dwarves are having a partay 2nite. Wanna go toast @Dark1Dearie? #ignoreHook #getdrunkwithme #dadwuldunderstnd

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@_KJones_ Ok “captain” I believe u were there to doublecross me anyway. #Irememberthebracelets #paybackisabitch

**Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @mynameisNeal I’ll go w/u.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@mynameisNeal Stealing your father’s lady? Perhaps we are more alike than you care to admit.

**Belle** _@bookwormbabe815_  
@_KJones_ U might love Emma, but ur heart is still black. #gross #heslikeason #sowhatifheisolder

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@_KJones_ Yeah, what @bookwormbabe815 said…

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@_KJones_ @mynameisNeal I have a ruler here if you boys need it. #fuckingNeal #fuckingPirate #idiots

  **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @mynameisNeal Found out where Tallahassee was yet, asshole? #fuckingNeal #whydoIstillrememberyou #needmorerum #whydoIlikerumnow

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 Your mention of rum causes my heart to beat faster. Perhaps your memories are still there, buried deep. Perhaps I am still with you if only a small amount. P

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
BLOODY HELL

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@_KJones_  yeah, whatevs happened to backing off, man? Srsly. #oneday #stillowemeforNL #n00b

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@mynameisNeal Leave @_KJones_ alone. Can’t you see the man is in pain? #fuckingneal #justfoundoutwhatudidtoEmma #myfistisitchingforyourface

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@emma_swan28 Yur dad is gonna kill me. Tell him u forgive me. Plz. Thanks. #missyou #howsHenry

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @mynameisNeal I’m an orphan, tnx 4 bringing that up, but if someone wants to pretend to be my dad & kill you, good. #fuckingneal

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @charming_guy123 Please punch @mynameisNeal for me. I’d totes let you adopt me. #sosweetCharming #fuckingNeal

**Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @mynameisNeal So about the party? #breezy

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@emma_swan28 @charming_guy123 @mynameisNeal He’s gonna have 2 get in line. #fuckingNeal #yeahIKnow2

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@green_fairy Yeah, mabes I could stay w/ u for a few days. Will BMOB. #faceindanger #mustcompetewithdevilishlyhandsomepirate

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@green_fairy Yes, Tink, and “mabes” perhaps he can have you incarcerated for his crimes.

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@green_fairy Yeah, and “mabes” he can have your ass thrown in jail…

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ #GMTA

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@charming_guy123 @_KJones_ Dont make me block u all. #somean #Iwasonly300 #justakid

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@charming_guy123 I’m not sure what “GMTA” means, but I see we are in accord.

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@NewBigBadS3 Please. Attack us. I take take anymore whining. #help #needafight #killthatpersonplz #misshenry

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@evil_regal13 Srsly? *U* can’t take anymore whining? #PotKettle 

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@badass_bandit Your new moniker fools no one. You’re no fun anymore. #lobotomy #wishywashy #blackspot #uwereTeamNeal

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@evil_regal13 @badass_bandit I thought @hot_4_teacher was a good one.

**Wicked Witch** @NewBigBadS3  
@emma_swan28 You just won tix to special Wicked performance in Storybrooke! #actnow #grandprize #noplacelikehome

**Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ Mom got me tix 2 “Wicked” for Xmas. Woot! <3 my mom!

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 Emma, bleh. Hook is tired. Hook angry! Hook smash!

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ U got hacked bro. #dontuseEmmaaspassword #orSwan #orJollyRoger

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@charming_guy123 That’s what happens when your password is “Emma.”

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@charming_guy123 or “swan” or “jollyroger” could hav been n.e. of those. I mean, I don’t kno it wuz “Emma”

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
I have changed my password. Bae will have a difficult time “hacking” my twitter now.

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@_KJones_ Why does that sound so dirty when you say it?

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@badass_bandit You can hack my twitter anytime, darling.

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Not winning yourself any points there… mate… #dumbass

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@charming_guy123 Or CaptainSwan. Or EmmaJones @_KJones_ obsess much? #itwasonekiss #iambabydaddy

**Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @mynameisNeal it may have been 1 kiss but it nrly set the jungle on fire. I s2g. #Ishipit

**Princess Aurora** _@PregnantPrincess  
_ Need a bigger house. Curse refugees r loud & smell funny. #morningsickness #itwasquiet #nobigbad #notanymore

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
I’m a codfish!

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
I wear women’s underwear.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
I smell like mermaid.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
What the bloody hell? Bloody bloody blood. Bloody this bloody thing.

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
Once Emma gets her memory back, Imma tell her what u used for ur pw now.

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
JFC @mynameisNeal. You’re 300+ … grow the hell up.

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@emma_swan28 Ive forgiven u 4 coming 2 town  & ruining the life I built. Ive forgiven u 4 stealing @hottie_huntsman (may he RIP) but I will NEVER forgive u 4 #fuckingNeal

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
Thanks to @charming_guy123 for helping me create an unbreakable password. Apologies to all for past tweets. They were not made by me.

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3_  
@evil_regal13 Hey, I will totes be there in next few days. Hope you r better than Mommy now. #biggerbadassthanyou #Idontcry #poorwoegina

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@NewBigBadS3 U r so mean. She’s family. No1 picks on my family. Bring it bitch. #whyamIsohormonal #needchzburger #andpickles

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@badass_bandit I’m family. You all were picking on me b4.

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@PregnantPrincess It does smell really bad in here, doesn’t it? #NotFeelingWell #NotSureWhy #fuckingNeal

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Wanna go 2 the tavern? Snow has been on me ALL. DAY.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@charming_guy123 I wish Emma would be on… Oh right, mate. Rum never hurts.

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Really, Hook? I thought we were past this...

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@_KJones_ I have an arrow with your name on it, Hook. Watch out.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@badass_bandit @charming_guy123 I assure you, my intentions are honorable. #truelove #Emma #Emma #Emma #Emma #Emma #Emma #Emma #Emma

**Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ Great. Who taught the pirate how to hashtag?

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@badass_bandit @charming_guy123 @_KJones_ Ah yes, the much seen honorable pirate. Because that exists.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
Desperately seeking magic bean or other portal  to “land w/out magic”. Will pay in gold. #please #missingtruelove #Emma

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@_KJones_ I liked you better when you were hell bent on revenge. #boring #sappy #gross

**Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ @evil_regal13 There are some honorable pirates in this world. ;) Great time on Sun. Same place on Fri? #ursohawt #cantstopthinkingaboutu

**Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @evil_regal13 #swoon #youknowyouwantto #secondchance #dontscrewthisupagain #ijustgotmywingsbackfromthelasttime

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@HonorablePirate Do you by chance have any magical beans, mate?

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@HonorablePirate I told u to only PM me. #Evilreputationtouphold

**Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ @_KJones_ Sorry mate. Fresh out. Can u put in good word w/ the Queen for me?

**Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ Spent day baking birthday cake with my boy & @evil_regal13 #noapples #JK

**Peter Pan** _@4evaYoung_  
@HonorablePirate Aww… did u bake wif ur twu wuv? did u kiss her and cuwdle?

**Mulan** _@WarriorPrincess_  
Why are all the women here taken? Srsly. #Fml

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@4evaYoung How are u even here?

  **Belle** _@bookwormbabe815_  
@4evaYoung Is @Dark1Dearie with you? #MissMyBoo

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
Feels good to ride a horse again.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@charming_guy123 You make it too easy, mate. #tooeasy

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@_KJones_ Quick, Hook, write another novel 2 Emma. It’s been like an hour.

**Tin Man** _@IhaveaHeart  
_ @bookwormbabe815 Hey, we have a new Wiz who keeps giggling & talking deals. Could be @Dark1Dearie  #dudeisfreaky

**Snow White** _@badass_bandit_  
@mynameisNeal I S2G, Neal if u show ur face in this castle again… #arrowmissedonpurpose

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@green_fairy Totes up for the partay w/ u. Can I crash at ur crib? #notwelcomehere #hormonalQueen #arrowwaytooclose

**Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@NewBigBadS3 FYI, your skin clashes w/ your hair. Black is the way to go. #matcheseverything #blackisEvil #YouLookLikeSeasickMermaid #AttackUs #Plz

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3_  
@evil_regal13 @badass_bandit @charming_guy123 @_KJones_ @bookwormbabe815 I’ll get you my pretties, and #thatperson too. #soon

**Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@NewBigBadS3 MY NAME IS NEAL! #notthatperson #whyamIaplotdevice #stillmissingscarf #crapwearescrewed


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less than a day to go! Enjoy this in the remaining hours!

**Maleficent** _@OldieButBaddie_  
Dwarves didn’t invite me to their party. Ask @PregnantPrincess what happened last time I wasn’t invited somewhere… #afairyscorned #zzzzz

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal_  
@OldieButBaddie Wanna go 2 a partay? #plzdonthurtme #wecanmatchscarves

 **Maleficent** _@OldieButBaddie_  
@mynameisNeal No. #fuckingNeal

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@mynameisNeal ha ha ha ha ha #pwned!!!

 **Snow White** _@badass_bandit  
_ @charming_guy123 David, you are the prince of an Enchanted Realm. Please try to speak like it.

 **Princess Aurora** _@PregnantPrincess  
_ @OldieButBaddie If you let some of these people crash at your castle I guarantee you’ll have invite. @DreamyGrump #justdonotkillanyone

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @badass_bandit He did grow up a shepherd…

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @OldieButBaddie Yes. Please. Take some of them away. #FuckingNeal #FuckingPirate #TwoIdiots

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @charming_guy123 ha ha ha ha ha #pwned!!!

 **Maleficent** _@OldieButBaddie  
_ @evil_regal13 There’s this curse I’d like to have. #trade

 **Maleficent** _@OldieButBaddie  
_ @PregnantPrincess Hell. No. But I have this new spinning wheel. Totes wanna show u. #comeover #doesnotsmellhere #clean #FlyingMonkeyMaids

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @mynameisNeal That’s bloody brilliant, *Neal* Points for originality. #whathappenedtoBae

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @_KJones_ that wuz the point. it was ironic #forgetit #fuckingpirate

 **Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3  
_ @OldieButBaddie @evil_regal13 No worries - if u want a curse... follow the yellow brick road... #MuahHaHaHa #GiveMeMyMaidsBackBitches

 **Snow White** _@badass_bandit  
_ I suddenly feel like singing. #Imissmovienight @charming_guy123

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @mynameisNeal No, my statement was “ironic”. @Dark1Dearie #fail #youshouldknowthis  #itmeansoppositeofrealmeaning

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ So nice out today. Went for a walk w/Henry in the park. #nuts4nuts

 **Mulan** _@WarriorPrincess  
_ @PregantPrincess you can come over here. no smell. no big bads. and I’ll cook whatever u want. #takecareofu

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @_KJones_ My mom should’ve taught me grammar. U really want 2 go there, pirate? #donteven

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 I long to walk with you every day, with every beat of my heart. #alsofeelinguneasy #aremynutsindanger #foreshadowing

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ You come near me or my son, buddy, and you’ll be singing a whole octave higher. #whydoIattractthecrazies #andthelowlifedouchebags

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @emma_swan28 Please say the word and I will gladly rip out their hearts. #plz #soundslikenicedayatpark #makesurehetakeshisvitamin #misshenry

 **Red Riding Hood** _@RubyMoon69  
_ This new invisibility cloak is awesome #no1canseeme #stillhere #really #myskirtizSOshort #hawt

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @evil_regal13 Are u the Regina from 423? #weirducallurselfqueen #whatev #liveandletlive

 **Jiminy Cricket** _@doNOTsquishME_  
Missing Storybrooke. It was nice not to worry about being stepped on. #no1takesmesrsly #howcanIdateRubynow

 **Granny** _@ShotGunNLasagna_  
@RubyMoon69 Quiet. That’s supposed to be a secret. #peoplecanreadthisshit #WWwouldloveurcloak #kidsthesedays

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@doNOTsquishME stay away from Ruby, man. @drFreakyFrankie will squash you like a… well, you know. #sorry

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @emma_swan28 No, I live out of the country. If u want, I could ship you an apple tart. #theyareawesome #secretingredient

 **Princess Aurora** _@PregnantPrincess  
_ @doNOTsquishME I have a friend who’s single. I can see if she wants 2 meet u.

 **Snow White** _@badass_bandit  
_ @evil_regal13 Back away from my daughter. #armedandhormonal #CanShootOrgeInEye #stillwantchzburger #andpickles

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @badass_bandit Oh FFS. Not 1 of *those* special tarts. #newmemoryrecipe #IwuldnotleaveHenryalone #fixyourlobotomy#idiot

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @badass_bandit And ry @Shadyblue1 for pickles.

 **Princess Aurora** _@PregnantPrincess  
_ @WarriorPrincess U want to come over. I may have a friend that wants to meet u

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @evil_regal13 Uhh.. thanks but no thanks. I’m good. #appletartsfreakmeout #ihateapples

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Emma, I fear we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to get onto the right one.

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Smooth, bro, and not at all creepy.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Do you really believe so, mate? #hopeful #Emma #Emma #Emma

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Uhh… sure… #rememberirony #that

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 You wound me, Dave.

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @_KJones_ @charming_guy123 good. #fuckingpirate

 **Snow White** _@badass_bandit  
_ @mynameisNeal don’t be bitter, Neal. It doesn’t look good on you. #toobadyoulostyourscarf #muchbetterthanbitterness

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @badass_bandit @mynameisNeal @_KJones_ Does anything? #thatperson #whyishestillhere

 **Grumpy Leroy** _@DreamyGrump_  
@green_fairy Can you bring some pixie dust to party? #wildNcrazy #Imissbeer #WTFisNova

 **Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @DreamyGrump Sure. Just waiting for @mynameisNeal to pick me up. #waiting #andwaiting

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @green_fairy OMG I totes forgot I said I’d come get u. #sorry #uknowhowitis

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_ Your avatar looks familiar. #kindacute #stillcreepy

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ #wellshit #theregoesmyshot #whatdafuckhappenedtobackingoff

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Emma! I am beyond words right now. I feel as though my heart may burst. If this is not confirmation that your memories (and perhaps feelings) of/for me are s

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ I swear. Whoever came up with this 140 character limit will feel the wrath of my hook. #intheirneck #repeatedly #wheresmysharpener

 **Scarecrow** _@ScaryBrainiac  
_ @mynameisNeal Still trying to hack that dude’s pw. Not any of hints u gave me. #mayhavetousemybrain

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @mynameisNeal I told you I was devilishly handsome #oradashingrapscallion #ifyouprefer

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Just tell her she looks cute too. #stillnotgoodenoughformybaby #betterthanFuckingNeal

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 My apologies for my “tweet” being cut off. What I meant to say was you look cute too.

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @charming_guy123 @badass_bandit #misshenry #missemma - we trending those?

 **Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @mynameisNeal so are you picking me up or not? #stillwaiting #andwaiting

 **Scarecrow** _@ScaryBrainiac  
_ @mynameisNeal I think I’m close.

 **Princess Aurora** _@PregnantPrincess  
_ @doNOTsquishME @WarriorPrincess So… how’d it go #matchmaker #HappyEndings

 **Grumpy Leroy** _@DreamyGrump_  
@green_fairy u want me to send @_Happy_ to come get you? He’s waiting around here for something to do since he’s been banned from twitter.

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ d;ljfksa;lsdfjasddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd’’’jd

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ ;j;ljlj;

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ ;kjllll/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;l

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ ijinhjh;i;ihjuijgfygukhyhjjikjkkjkb

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @HonorablePirate Never leave twitter open with a child around. #hedeletedmycandycrushgame #mybad #luckilyhescute

 **Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @DreamyGrump Sure.  Maybe he’ll actually show. #fuckingNeal

 **Scarecrow** _@ScaryBrainiac  
_ @mynameisNeal Booyah. Done.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Emma, when I see u next I plan on plundering ur treasure.

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Dafuq?

 **Rapunzel** _@needzahaircut18  
_ I am so bored. Some1 plz come rescue me. #needahero #anyone? #stuckintower #nowifi #wayovermagicaldataplan

 **Snow White** _@badass_bandit  
_ @charming_guy123 David, please, grammar. @_KJones_ I will hunt you down and hurt you. Do not speak to my daughter like that.

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @_KJones_ yeah.. don’t speak to her daughter like that… #fuckingPirate #longHaulMyAss

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Come walk my plank. #notaslongasyouthink

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_  I think you might have been hacked by someone obsessed with pirates.  #andbadgrammar #changepw

 **Mulan** _@WarriorPrincess  
_ @needzahaircut18 Give me ur addy - I’ll plug it into my GPS and save you. #DidThatSoundBreezy #NotARebound #ISwear

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 I want u 2 shiver me timbers. All night long babe. #yeahiwentthere

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @charming_guy123 I abandoned your daughter to jail when she was 17 and pregnant with my child. #badform

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @mynameisNeal I’m about ready to block your ass at this point. #fuckingNeal

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @evil_regal13 It is my fault Tamara came to Storybrooke. Remember Tamara? My fiance? Who stole Henry and delivered him to Pan? #verybadform

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @mynameisNeal And it’s *my* fault you’ll be a sewage worker the next time a curse is cast… #fuckingNeal #keepitupanduwontsurvivetheyear

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @WarriorPrincess I got this. @needzahaircut18 What @WarriorPrincess said. I really need few days off. #hormonalwife

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorablePirate  
_ @evil_regal13 Sorry about that.  We on for Friday? @green_fairy offered to watch DS.

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ As long as the damn @FlyingMonkeyMaids don’t get in the way. And change your cologne. #yousmelllikeaforest

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @badass_bandit Whenever you look at me, remember I had dalliances with your daughter in the backseat of a horseless carriage.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ actually it wuz in motels. the car wuz only 1x.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ wait. i mean…. ah shiz.

 **Neal Cassidy** _@_mynameisNeal  
_ @_Kjones_I am a pirate, Bae. Hacking is a form of piracy and you will. not. win. #mighthavefutureinthis

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ #fuckingPirate @_mynameisNeal All right. Truce. U log out and I will 2. #andstopcallingmeBae

 **Maleficent** _@OldieButBaddie_  
@NewBigBadS3 Curse them already, please. Get them the hell out of here. All of them.

 **Snow White** _@badass_bandit  
_ @ShotGunNLasagna If I don’t get a chzburger soon I may kill my husband & #2idiots. Plz tell me u have found a way to make one. #withpickles

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @badass_bandit YOU are one of the #twoidiots #IS2G Your husband is the other. WTF are you talking about???

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @OldieButBaddie You really prefer living under the library to this? Oh wait. Yes, I don’t blame you. #fuckingNeal #twoIdiots

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ It smells like rum in my twitter now.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ I can’t in polite company say what it smells like over here…

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ @badass_bandit @evil_regal13 @DreamyGrump @ShotGunNLasagna @doNotSquishMe Meet in War Room in 10 min

 **Snow White** _@badass_bandit  
_ @evil_regal13 OMG, Really? #fuckingNeal + #fuckingpirate = #2fuckingidiots #neitherisgoodenough #Wherethefuckismyicecream #andpickles

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @badass_bandit Really, Snow? I came up with the #twoidiots hashtag. It’s you and your “Charming” prince...

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
On second thought… @_KJones_ @DreamyGrump @ShotGunLasagna @doNotSquishMe Meet in War Room in 10 min

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @charming_guy123 What about me?

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
Sorry... @mynameisNeal must have hacked me (#fuckingNeal)... Original list of ppl all come to War Room. 5 minutes. #IAmInSoMuchTroubleRN

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @charming_guy123 What about me?

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
Yeah, actually, @mynameisNeal can you bring @bookwormbabe815? We could use her knowledge of stuff.

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ This ought to be good. Let’s put the pirate and #fuckingNeal in the same room. #AnyoneGotPopcorn #damnImisspopcorn

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@evil_regal13 I think #fuckingNeal has more to fear from my wife than from Hook… #sheIsPissed @andHormonal #andSomeoneGetHerAPickle #FFS

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
Hook asked me to tweet that I’m proud of him for not tweeting about someone getting my wife a pickle…

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_...and that I appreciate the amount of restraint it took.

 **Granny** _@ShotGunNLasagna_  
@RubyMoon69 I’m at the War Room for Prince Charming’s council. U coming?

 **Jiminy Cricket** _@doNOTsquishME_  
@charming_guy123 Almost there… don’t start without me! Make sure @DreamyGrump is there to translate. #heisonly1whounderstandsme #TG4twitter

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @charming_guy123 When did I turn into a hashtag? #notgoingtostupidmeeting #btw #needzpckls

 **Queen Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @mynameisNeal Really? Where the hell have you been? #fuckingNeal

 **Mulan** _@WarriorPrincess  
_ @PregnantPrincess While they’re meeting to figure out how to escape the WWoW, u want to hang out? #NeedCompany #MissMyBoo #UhhIMean…

 **Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3  
_ @WarriorPrincess Say what now, my pretty??

 **Belle** _@bookwormbabe815  
_ @mynameisNeal Actually can u meet w/me? I don’t think @Dark1Dearie is dead. We can get him back, Bae! #myRumpleisstilloutthere #Ihaveaplan

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @bookwormbabe815 Srsly? Be there in 5.  #andmyNAMEISNEAL #readmytwitterhandle #itsayssorightthere

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ Nobody’s tweeted me for a while. I kinda miss the crazy…

 **Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @emma_swan28 We can tweet, mom. We have each other. And you have that date with @MonkeeBizz tonight.

 **Walsh Simian** _@MonkeeBizz_  
@emma_swan28 Can’t wait to see you. Just the fact that you agreed to tonight has me flying on air.  #inmorewaysthanone

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @the_kid01 Love you, kid. @MonkeeBizz Um, thanks I think. #Iwasjokingaboutmissingthecrazy #Ithink

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ Bloody hell. #thatsit #IwillfindawaybacktoSwan #Emma #Emma #Emma


	3. Which Witch is Which? (3x13)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Episode "Tweetcaps" May Contain Spoilers (and stuff that didn't happen but that we feel should have).

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ Back in da hood... or never left da hood. Where did my tweet history go for the year? Regardless, my bby girl is back! #Emma

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @RubyMoon69 Um, we have surprising news. #needutothrowbabyshower #wtfhappened #YouWouldThinkIdRememberThat

 **Mary Margaret** _@badass_bandit_  
@charming_guy123 OMG Get back here from Granny’s with my chzburger and pickle already! #craving #dejavu

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ My tweets make a lot more sense now. #memorypotion #workseverytime #OMFG #WTFisupwithmywardrobe  #gonetoplaid

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @emma_swan28 You’re welcome. #DressingLikeARespectibleAdult #YouLookLovelyDear

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @evil_regal13 Aye, your majesty. That she does. #beautiful #bloodybrilliant

 **Grumpy Leroy** _@DreamyGrump  
_ WTF! Are we cursed again? I bet @evil_regal13 did it. #wherearemybrothersbitch

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Almost harvest time but you can’t remember the planting? That’s bad luck, mate. #dontworry #haventplowedEmmayet

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @_KJones_ That’s weak, Hook.

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Not your best work, buddy.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 I shall try harder, love. #doubleentendre #imagineraisedeyebrow

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ #ImagineARolledEye

 **Red Riding Hood** _@RubyMoon69  
_ @charming_guy123 Srsly!! OMG!! I’m so happy for you & @badass_bandit #imback #toteswillgiveyoubabyshower

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Pulling up a haul, but can’t remember casting the net? @emma_swan28

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @_KJones_Better…

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Meh. #youcandobetter

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Bloody hell, lass. #outofpractice   

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Counting your treasure, but can’t remember plundering it? @emma_swan28

 **Mary Margaret** _@badass_bandit_  
@_KJones_ I s2G, Hook. I am hormonal and NOT AMUSED.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @badass_bandit Apologies, milady. I shall endeavour to do better.

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ I don’t think that was the point…

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Point? Ahh…@charming_guy123 Jabbed her with your sword, but can’t remember feeling it?

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Seriously, Hook? #thatwasourspecial1

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Too right, lass.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Congratulations on the wee one, mate. #happyforyouBROTP #GoingToBeAnUncle #SoProud

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @_KJones_ A *monkey’s* uncle… #SorryNotSorry #CouldntResist

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @_KJones_ Stay away from this one. Alright, Hook?

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @emma_swan28 BTW… WTF are you back in town? Why didn’t you tell me? How did you even know to come? #alittlewarningnexttime #srsly

 **Henry Swan** _@the_kid01_  
@emma_swan28 Do I have whip cream on my face? This lady is staring at me. #creepysmalltown #every1knowsevery1

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @the_kid01 Sry for staring. You’ve just gotten so big! UR such a handsome man now. Your mother must be so proud! #tryingnot2Bcreepy #fail

 **Little John** _@MyNameIsIronic_  
Here, turkey turkey turkey turkey… #lovethisbow #reallyneedtolearntoshoot Hope @Dark1Dearie doesn’t notice I stole it.

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @evil_regal13 Oh, @_KJones_ found me & gave me memory potion. Did you do this? #youhavethisthingforcurses #certainlysoundslikeyou

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @emma_swan28 Really? I only curse people I hate. To torture them, not me. #DontBeAnIdiot #notlikeyourparents #twoidiots

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @evil_regal13 My superpower always totes worked w/ you. I believe you. DM me b/c I have an idea. #con #toopublichere #dontcallthemidiots

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorableThief  
_ Help! @MynameisIronic was taken at the town line by a giant beast with wings. #strongbeast #LilJohnIsntThatLittle

 **Mary Margaret** _@badass_bandit  
_ Cradle cap?! Srsly. I wasn’t this terrified in the EF with 1st pregnancy. #andEQwastryingtokillme #knowledgecanbescary #butIhazpickles

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @HonorableThief @_KJones_ @charming_guy123 @TheMerryMen That sounds a lot like the monster that attacked me in NY.

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Oh, you mean the monster you were going to marry? #leftthatpartout #mustfacethetruthlove

 **Zelena** _@MagicalMidwife  
_ @badass_bandit Don’t worry. It will be fine. Can I touch your belly? #seehowIasked #Ididntjusttouch #ALWAYSask #anevilpersonwouldneverask

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @emma_swan28 You were going to marry someone? #but #youcantgetmarriedunlessIcandancewithyouatwedding

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Did you miss the part where I said monster? #alittlehelpmate #supposedtohavemyback

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorableThief  
_ @charming_guy123 @emma_swan28 @_KJones_ I don’t care who is marrying whom! Little John was taken by this monster. #CanWeStayOnTopic

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Maybe you can find it, Swan. Distract it with your feminine wiles.

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @emma_swan28 I can’t believe you were going to marry someone. #mindblown

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @HonorableThief Wait a second… “Little John”? Are you… *Robin Hood*? #morefairytalecharacters #again? #srsly?

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Is he another one of your ex’s that I should know about, love?

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorableThief  
_ @emma_swan28 Yes, I am Robin Hood. @_Kjones_  @charming_guy123 Can we please focus?

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @emma_swan28 I mean… marriage is a big step. I’m so proud, baby girl!

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Could you please focus, mate. She was engaged to a simian... with wings.

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorableThief  
_ @emma_swan28 @charming_guy123 Are you the only law enforcement officials of this town? #IthoughtNottinghamwasbad

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @HonorableThief Well, technically, I was elected sheriff, I suppose. @charming_guy123

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @HonorableThief And I’m her deputy. #proudpapa

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 And I suppose your bailiff is a Siren, given your disposition towards miscreants.

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorableThief  
_ Oh for the love of all that is holy. #whyamIhere

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@emma_swan28 That election was a sham. #stillnotoverit #SidneyforSheriff

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ Let it go, @_KJones_ After making out with Captain Hook in NL while Peter Pan held my son captive, maybe a flying monkey didn’t seem so bad…

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @_KJones_ Pwned!

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@allofStorybrooke I know you’re frightened and confused but you have to listen up. #sonotlistening #s2G #ihatemeetings

 **Jiminy Cricket** _@doNOTsquishME  
_ @emma_swan28 Is there a monster that’s keeping us from leaving town? #needashrink #whoamIsupposedtotalkto

 **Belle** _@bookwormbabe815  
_ @emma_swan28 Who the hell cursed us? #wasntmyboo #hedneverdothis

 **Granny** _@ShotGunNLasagna_     
@emma_swan28 @allofStorybrooke So we’re trapped? Again. #FML #Ineedadayoff #nooneinthistowncooksbutme

 **Grumpy Leroy** _@DreamyGrump  
_ @allofStorybrooke Guys, @evil_regal13 is the only one who has done this before. IT HAS TO BE HER. #EvilQueen #BitchisBack

 **EF Extras** _@allofStorybrooke  
_ WE HAVE NO PROOF BUT SHE TOTES DID IT! GET @evil_regal13 ! #WitchHunt #nameofepisode #MobzRule

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @DreamyGrump @allofStorybrooke Bite me. #uwantevil #illgiveyouevil #earthquake #nexttimeforcedrerunsofWebster

 **Robin Hood** _@HonorableThief  
_ FML.

 **Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3_  
*cackling on the inside* #thisrules #betterthanexpected #payback

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ I learned something today and that is stakeouts are boring. #lookwaybetteronLawandOrder

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @HonorableThief Found @MynameisIronic ! Doesn’t look so good. @drFreakyFrankie Headed your way, dude. #MessedUp

 **Victor Whale** _@drFreakieFrankie  
_ @charming_guy123 Srsly? We can’t go three days… Dammit, I had a date with @RubyMoon69 #GoFrankenwolf

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @drFreakyFrankie WTH. There is something srsly wrong with @MynameisIronic #ideas? #anyone #HeJustGrewaTail #notevenjoking

 **Little John** _@MynameisIronic_  
SCREECH! #TheseWingsRawesome #wantabanananow @FlyingMonkeyMaids You hiring?

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
Bloody hell! #wasthatwhatSwanwasgoingtomarry

 **Victor Whale** _@drFreakieFrankie  
_ Dammit, @charming_guy123, I’m a doctor, not a vet! #thistownneedsanotherDoc #Ihaveanothershowtobeon #iZombie #withTink

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ Totes did NOT see that coming. FYI guys, people are turning into flying monkeys. #PassItOn @badass_bandit @emma_swan28 @evil_regal13

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @charming_guy123 Flying Monkeys & the WW? 4 realz? #IsEveryDamnFairyTaleReal @badass_bandit @_KJones_  @evil_regal13

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Says the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming...

 **Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @emma_swan28 Are you feeling ok? U know fairy tales aren’t real, right? #firstdumpsBF #thenthepirateshowsup #nowthistown #momislosingit

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 And the mother of the grandson of Rumplestiltskin…

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @the_kid01 Sure, kid. Just a project between me & my friends…  #weRwritingaplay #calledOnceUponATime #HasUsAllinit #hilarious

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 And the step granddaughter of the Evil Queen...

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 And the step great-granddaughter of the Queen of Hearts...

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 And the mother of the great grandson of Peter Pan...

 **Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @emma_swan28 @_KJones_ And the niece of the Wicked Witch of the West #thatwouldbeagoodtwist #spoilers #IWantToHelp

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 And the future wife of Captain Hook...

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ Bloody hell. #DidntMeanToHitEnter #HowDoYouDeleteATweet

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_Kjones_ what?

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 what? #maybeNealhackedmeagain #unlessyouliketheidea #longhaul

 **Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @_KJones_ That’s just silly, Killian. #ShesTotesGonnaMarryYou #IKnowTheseThings #WiseBeyondMyYears #YouStillDressFunny

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @the_kid01 Please don’t encourage him. #timetogetoffTwitter #readabook

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @emma_swan28 Will you please just get a room w/@_KJones_ already b/c I S2G, you two are making me nauseous. #gohavemonkeysex #YeahIwentthere

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_evil_regal13_ WHAT?

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ For once, I agree with @evil_regal13 #butIwillwait #longhaul

 **Neal Cassidy** _@mynameisNeal  
_ @_KJones_ And the mother of the grandson of the mistress of Captain Hook

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @mynameisNeal Where are you, mate? Stop hiding like a bloody coward. #fuckingNeal #OrAreYouTweetingAsAMonkey

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ Great, so @mynameisNeal might be a flying monkey. #notfirstmonkeyIdated

 **Walsh Simian** _@MonkeeBizz  
_ @_KJones_ @emma_swan28 Stranger things have happened…

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ FML. Srsly. #twoidiots #NeedMemoryPotion #MissHenry

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @MonkeeBizz You may have survived the fall from the building, but you’ll not survive my wrathful fury should you ever again come near the lo

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ Bloody hell. #DetestCharacterLimits

 **Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @MonkeeBizz Stay away from Emma. Or you shall feel the point of my hook. In your neck. #ICanBeConcise #WhenINeedToBe

 **Walsh Simian** _@MonkeeBizz  
_ @_KJones_ Jelly? #MonkeySex #GetYourHeadAroundThat

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@MonkeeBizz Come near me or my family again and I will break your other wing. #TheSaviorisBack

 **Walsh Simian** _@MonkeeBizz  
_ @_KJones_ She didn’t deny it…

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@MonkeeBizz @_KJones_ #THEREWASNOMONKEYSEX #true #noMonkeySex

 **Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3  
_ @MonkeeBizz You had ONE job. Stop poking the animals and go clean something. #goodhelp #sohardtofind

 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @emma_swan28 @MonkeeBizz @_KJones_ Stop! Just Stop! #brainBleach #brainBleach #fortheloveofallthingsholygetmebrainbleach

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@evil_regal Oh my GOD! Was that Voldemort in your office earlier? IS HARRY POTTER REAL TOO? #isJKRowlingcursed #howdidsheknow

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @emma_swan28 Don’t be ridiculous. Voldemort wasn’t in my office. #mayhavecrossedpaths #MissHenry #helovedHarryPotter

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@evil_regal What did you, kill his dog when he was little? #whyamInotsurprised

 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @emma_swan28 So now you’re worried about the dark lord? It doesn’t matter because it wasn’t him. #itwasWicked

 **Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@evil_regal13 #FML

 **Rumplestiltskin** _@Dark1Dearie  
_ @NewBigBadS3 You shouldn’t have brought me back. #goingtobiteyouintheass #waituntilIgetmydaggerback

 **Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3  
_ @Dark1Dearie You’re my bitch now. #Ihaveaplan #eatyourrice #butdamn #URsoCreepyRightNow

 **Belle** _@bookwormbabe815  
_ @Dark1Dearie Rumpy? Boo? Is that really you? #Iknewyouwerealive #whereRu

 **Rumplestiltskin** _@Dark1Dearie  
_ You feed the madness & it feeds on you. You feed the madness & it feeds on you. #Iwantedfriedrice #GDI #atleastglutenfree


	4. Episode 3-14: Wicked Strikes Back

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ So… how do we find this wicked witch? #Imeanthistownisnotthatbig #srsly #justgathereveryonewedonotknow

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Look for someone with green skin? #notexactlycommonhere

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @_KJones_ @charming_guy123 She won’t have green skin here. #duh #fuckingPirate

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Then possibly a black pointy hat, riding on a broom, saying “I’ll get you my pretty and your little dog too?” #anyonehaveadog

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Put sparkly red shoes under a propped-up box so when she goes to take them it falls on her?  #simple

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Start throwing buckets of water at passers-by until one of them melts?

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Or perhaps @evil_regal13 could conjure a rain storm instead. #muchfasterthattossingwateroneveryone

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ WTF? Where’s all this “Wizard of Oz” knowledge coming from? #anddonotmentionredshoes #copyright

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 Watched it with @the_kid01 last night. Frightfully horrifying what passes as children’s entertainment in this land #IdidntSayRu

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@emma_swan28 Blasted thing cut off my hashtag. #IdidntSayRUBY

**Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @charming_guy123 @_KJones_ @emma_swan28 You know I can hear everything u guys are saying. #weirdplayuRwriting

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @_KJones_ Would u 2 stop. My son’s in danger from this witch & her flying monkeys.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @evil_regal 13 One of whom could turn out to be his father… @emma_swan28 @charming_guy123

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ FML.

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @the_kid01 Coming to hang out with you for a while. #therewillbeicecream

**Mary Margaret** _@badass_bandit  
_ @emma_swan28 Oh, Emma… #fuckingPirate

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@emma_swan28 *hugs* #hesjustabitjelly

**Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @evil_regal13 Cool. #icecreamisgood #butImissNYicecream #wecallitgelato

**Rumplestiltskin** @Dark1Dearie   
Cleans the mind, soothes the soul.. #lovemyspinclass

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ Vomit. #twoIdiots #fuckingPirate

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @badass_bandit @emma_swan28 @evil_regal13 Too soon? Very well. Something wicked this way comes. What do you say we go find it.

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3  
_ Always put on your best face. Don’t let others see what’s on the inside. #themoreyouknow #publicserviceannouncement #conceal #dontfeel

**Rumplestiltskin** @Dark1Dearie  
All the voices in my head, will be quiet when I’m… dead. #intheory #srslyshutupvoices #yousoundlikeBae

**Belle** _@bookwormbabe815  
_ @Dark1Dearie I will find you boo.

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3_  
@Dark1Dearie What I’m after is sumthing u spent 4eva seeking even tho totes against ur nature #cantwaitthatlong #luckilydonthave2 #babyfever

**Zelena** _@MagicalMidwife  
_ @bookwormbabe815 I need help w/baby gift for @badass_bandit - can u help?

**Belle** _@bookwormbabe815_  
@MagicalMidwife Of course. I have the perfect gift.

**Zelena** _@MagicalMidwife  
_ @bookwormbabe815 Thank you so much, Mrs. Gold!

**Belle** _@bookwormbabe815_  
@MagicalMidwife Oh, no, I’m not Mrs. Gold. #iwish

**Zelena** _@MagicalMidwife  
_ @bookwormbabe815 Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought #Rumbelle was a thing…

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3  
_ @bookwormbabe815 @MagicalMidwife Not anymore, bitches! Muah ha ha! #RumpleIsMine #KinkyShaving

**Mary Margaret** _@badass_bandit  
_ @MagicalMidwife ZOMG, you don’t have to get me anything. #sosweet #iloveyou #andIamneverwrongaboutpeople

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3  
_ @badass_bandit Yes, and you keep secrets so well… #WorstSecretKeeperEver #exceptforGossipGirl #akaTheDwarf

**Grumpy Leroy** _@DreamyGrump  
_ @NewBigBadS3 Hey- I kept @doNOTsquishMe’s secret that he likes to crochet. & I never told any1 that Doc watches A Baby Story…

**Grumpy Leroy** _@DreamyGrump  
_ @NewBigBadS3 And I didn’t spill about all the stuff Tink told me about Neverland at the party. Or how Red ate 1 of Snow’s bluebird friends…

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @DreamyGrump I’d stop while I was ahead, Dwarf.

**Red Riding Hood** _@RubyMoon69  
_ Yes, @DreamyGrump and while you still HAVE a head…

**Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @_KJones_ I told @DreamyGrump nothing of importance.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @green_fairy Oh, I’m not worried, Tink. #afterAllWeveBeenThrough

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ @green_fairy Is something going on over there?

**Tinker Bell** _@green_fairy  
_ @emma_swan28 @_KJones_ No. #as #if

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 @green_fairy Perhaps.

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Seriously? #again #dejavu #stop

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@emma_swan28 @_KJones_ Guys, focus. You see anything? #wait #isthataSkittle #Iforgottoeatlunch #shit #justHollyberry

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 @emma_swan28 Other than her austere sense of design? No. But the feng shui is all wrong in this room. Her desk is facing evil.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 Although… on second thought perhaps that is fitting…

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ So now you’re an interior design expert?

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 After the box finished the Wizard of Oz, I pushed some buttons and it showed people decorating rooms. Then cooking.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 When does one sleep in this realm? The box showed so many different things. It never stopped #isthathowyoulearnedbotanymate?

**Mary Margaret** _@badass_bandit  
_ @charming_guy123 I need you here right now. Zelena and I are waiting. #now #comehomenow #nowCharming #bringpickles

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @charming_guy123 A bit demanding, isn’t she? @emma_swan28 @badass_bandit

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Seriously. Not smart. #shespregnant #andhormonal #betterbringpicklesnexttime

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Bro, you’re gonna get me in trouble.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 @charming_guy123 I meant the midwife. @badass_bandit #butIshallbringpicklesallthesame

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3  
_ @_KJones_ Maybe someone ought to throw a bucket of water on *you*, loverboy. Cool you off a bit. #Icanseetheeyesexfromhere

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @badass_bandit I’m sorry, but @MagicalMidwife seems a little shady. #neversawherinSBbefore #suspicious #couldbewicked

**Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @evil_regal13 Any clue why my mom is acting all weird. #likethistown #shelefttheguysheloved #heproposed #thenapirateshowedup  
  
 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@the_kid01 One day you will have more family than you know what to do with. #trustme

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan2@8  
_ @_KJones_ You’ll look for any excuse to use that thing, won’t you? #itskindahot

**Mary Margaret** _@badass_bandit  
_ @charming_guy123 Are u crazy? She is AWESOME. #andsheknewJohanna #shesperfect @MagicalMidwife don’t listen to DH. #heisnervous #usuallybrave

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Oh, Swan, if you only knew of what this hook is capable… #ormyotherattachments

**Zelena** _@MagicalMidwife  
_ @badass_bandit Oh, don’t worry. I’m used to freaked out husbands. @charming_guy123 Here, have some tea. #itsmagical

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@_KJones_ Watch it, pirate.

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ I’m sure it helps on all of your swashbuckling adventures. #whichURlyingabout #lyingliar #wholies

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 It certainly helps me fend off the flying monstrosities. #besides #cannottellyoutruth #LetItGo #youcanthandleit

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Perhaps you’re the one who couldn’t handle it. #wait #WTF #fine #IwillLetItGo #fuckingPirate #ignoreThisWholeTweet #didntmeanit

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @badass_bandit Ok. Maybe you’re right. She seems nice. #andthisteaisdelish

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13  
_ @_KJones_ Just call them flying monkeys like everybody else #fortheloveofallthingsholy

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Especially ones that offer you marriage proposals.

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ I am not having this conversation with you again, Hook. #talkaboutlettingsomethinggo

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Speaking of, were you considering the flying simian’s proposal? #humourme #please

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ I was in love. Of course I was considering it. As usual, he wasn’t who he said he was & I got my heart broken. #thatenoughhumor4u

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m glad. #ifitcanbebrokenitmeansitstillworks #andIwillWinIt

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 To echo an earlier sentiment of yours, Swan, for future reference, when I look at your lips, it means… well, you know…

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 #heresAhint #thinkofNeverland #AndYourThreshold

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@_KJones_ Well, aren’t you just the king of subtlety? #ironic #Boom #UseditRight

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ ….. #stoplookingatmelikethat #nowiamonemelting #gdi #therewillbeNOcrossingofmythreshold

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Now who’s acting the pirate, love? #insertinginnuendo #wheretherewasnone

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ #therewillbenoinserting #justsoweareclear #andlikehelltherewasnone

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@_KJones_ @emma_swan28 Oh FFS, you already have rooms at Granny’s - I’ll watch Henry for 15 minutes so you two can deal with this UST. #twomoreidiots

**Henry Swan** _@the_kid01  
_ @evil_regal13 Thanks for the ice cream. You’re pretty cool.

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@the_kid01 I had a lovely time. You are such a wonderful young man. Your mom is so proud. #sniff

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@evil_regal13 Careful there, your majesty, I can see the dust getting in your eye from here. #dontpushEmma #notreadyyet #longhaul

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
@emma_swan28 Yeah, pretty sure I spotted @NewBigBadS3 I’m going after her. #CharmAttack

**Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@_KJones_ Enough from you, pirate. Why don’t you puppy dog after @emma_swan28 some more. #fuckingPirate

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ A farmhouse. That’s ironic.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 What’s ironic about a farmhouse, love? Did you expect it to be, say, a city?

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ What? No. It’s ironic because #shit #Imeantcliche #notironic #dammit #mybad

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Does this have to do with the move ee? #myswangetsirony #thankheavens

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Yeah, the movie thing. #thisisntKansas #didntevenknowStorybrookehadafarmhouse

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Why are you whispering? #youcanjusttweetmeifyoudontwantanyonetohear

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Sometimes I wish you still lived in the dark ages. #justdoit #iknowthesethings #ohlook #bicycle #andcellar #creepy #letsexploreit

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 I misread your hashtag, Swan, and nearly collapsed in shock. #lookagain #thewordnearlyjumpsatyou

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Mind out of the gutter, Hook.

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Yours is right there with me, love. You saw it too. Admit it.

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Let’s just GO EXPLORE the cellar. #scoundrel #rapscallion

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Wait wait wait. It’s one thing walking around a deserted farmhouse. It’s quite another descending into a one-way cellar with no

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Bloody hell! Would 150 characters be too much to ask? As I was saying, there would be no way out.

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28  
_ @_KJones_ Scared? #youare #arentyou #aww #bbyKilly

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 There is a difference between fear & strategy. I mean, what if the flying monstrosity is there? #awkward

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_ You did not just go there again. #srsly #itslikeUthinkweRmarried #iS2G

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Perhaps there are lions down there. Or tigers. Or bears. #ohmy

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_  … #srsly #again #nomoremoviesforyou

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 Because animals from your world are less likely than the winged simian variety? #raisedeyebrow #CentralParkZoo #veryinformative

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_ FML. #theSavior #whennormalshitsoundsridiculous #andyoudateflyingmonkeys

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones_  
_ @emma_swan28 If the WW is as powerful as we think, magical backup might be nice to have around. Unless you’ve been practicing in NYC?

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@_KJones_ Oh fine. #ihateitwhenyoumakesense #dammit @evil_regal13 We could use some backup. #shit #missedacall #leftitonvibrate

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@charming_guy123 Hey, @_KJones_  & I are on the way. #hanginthere @evil_regal13 Meet us where David last checked in on foursquare. #TG4apps

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ I think George Lucas must know @NewBigBadS3 b/c I S2G I just lived out a scene from Empire Strikes Back. #onlyIwon #gome #wantlightsaber

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@charming_guy123 As long as Mufasa doesn’t show up and tell us he’s your father, I think we’re good…

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @emma_swan28 Well, they are played by the same guy. #thatwouldbeatwist #mydaddycouldbeany1

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123_  
Wait. WTF did my sword go? #Iknowitwasbroken #butitwasmyfave #inameditVera #forreasons  
  
 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@charming_guy123 Vera? Really? Perhaps I should just call you Jayne, not David. #yesIlovedFirefly #helpedmonotony #damnyouFOX  
  
 **Mayor Regina** _@evil_regal13_  
@charming_guy123 Oh yes, and it should be obvs. @NewBigBadS3 took it and your courage. #ifonlyshecouldtakeyouridiocy #twoidiots  
  
 **David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @evil_regal13 @emma_swan28 @_KJones_Dafuq. Let’s send that witch back to Oz.

**Wicked Witch** _@NewBigBadS3_  
@charming_guy123 What’s the matter? Feeling.. chicken? #Ihaveyoursword #thatsoundeddirtierthanImeant #cowardlylion

**Emma Swan** _@emma_swan28_  
@evil_regal13 This place feels bad. #darkmagic #iseewhatyoumean

**David Nolan** _@charming_guy123  
_ @evil_regal13 @emma_swan28 @_KJones_ Who do we know who spins straw into gold?

**Captain Hook** _@_KJones__  
@charming_guy123 As you would say, Dave, FML. #bloodyhell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in posting (and being behind a few episodes). Real life schedules got in the way. Plus, one of us was inordinately devastated by the death of #fuckingNeal (and it wasn't AtOnceUponSomeChaos), so we lost some time to tears and mourning.

**Author's Note:**

> This all happened because SOMEONE didn't kiss someone else before she drove off in her yellow bug... It started as a letter Emma wrote to Hook, telling him what it means when she looks at his lips (which turned into the first line) and his response that she bloody well should have told him that sooner. After that, it took on a life of its own.
> 
> This will very likely turn into a ongoing series because we had way too much fun writing this and had to forcefully stop ourselves from making it any longer.
> 
> Please review and let us know what you think!


End file.
